Critique courtesy of

“I couldn’t deny him that even though it’s been over six months since I last heard from him” … why not? Maybe add just a little something to help the reader know why the narrator can't say no, like “I couldn't deny my former best friend that” or “This was the former prom king and I wasn't getting any younger or less single”

“prior to his phone call” … unnecessary bit

“A café waitress walked over” … unnecessary to say cafe

“She had long red hair and smelled extraordinary. Her fragrance was intoxicating to the point of complete seductivity” … nice mix of sight and smell description, but “to the point of complete seductivity” feels like Telling. Allow the smell to seduce me, don't tell me the smell is seductive, like “Her fragrance surrounded me, ripe cherry and spicy ginger. I sat up in my chair and covered my lap”

“an espresso macchiato with warm milk and a lightly buttered croissant” … he's a soft, warm person?

“I arrived at” “I seated myself” “I waited patiently” “I sipped at” … the first four paragraphs all noticeably start with “I” which makes the narrator feel self-absorbed

“shifted my eyes [to] the commuting pedestrians at the crosswalk”

“Through the eeriness of his appearance, I could see a person who resembled my friend Matthew, if Matthew looked like an unhygienic insomniac. I noticed the unkempt man walking towards me” … maybe give the reader longer to realize this approaching person is Matthew, like “A man walked down the sidewalk, hair standing up in different places, his sports jacket covered in black spots of dirt or mold. People veered away from him. He bumped into two people who perhaps didn't see or smell him; they yelled and displayed their raised middle fingers at his back, but he didn't stop. He walked toward the cafe seating area. Through his unkempt appearance, I could see a person who resembled my friend Matthew, if Matthew looked like an unhygienic insomniac. He seated himself at my table. I almost spat out my drink. It was Matthew”

“He nodded his head towards me, instantly recognizing me” … from across the street?

“His left leg was antsy and jittery” “He gnawed on his fingernails, chipping away the ends” … you're doing an excellent job of Showing me he's out of it, so don't Tell me “There was something wrong with him” and “He was like in a different world”

“Can I get you anything else? the server asked me. I told her no” … come on, guy! Ask for her number!

“but he avert his attention” … averted? Kind of an awkward sentence altogether

“I spoke for him, No he’s…fine” … ha, I enjoy how that pause gives “fine” a double meaning. The narrator is saying he doesn't want anything from the cafe, and he's not sure if Matthew is fine mentally

“She left uncomfortably” … Show Don't Tell. And this lady is a waitress, she must be used to the weirdos by now

“Matthew scooted his chair closer to the table. He began to calm down. He breathed slowly, closing his eyes and then exhaling” … very strong Showing (and a little Telling) of him calming down, but why? I don't get the feeling this is a story about Matthew being anxious around women, but apparently he calms down because she left? … having read to the end, was he anxious about her looking like / being the witch?

“He opened his eyes, which were yellow-stained and unhealthy” … yellow-stained is excellent Showing, unhealthy is Telling. Maybe yellow-stained and bloodshot?

“Gradually, his demeanor changed from paranoid to melancholy” … Show Don't Tell

“keeping his answers short” … so far he's only said two words that I know of, so I guess that's true, but I haven't really been Shown answers plural yet so this would be more Telling

“He seemed terrified of something. I didn’t know what it was” … well duh

“with a worrisome expression” … Show Don't Tell

“I [wasn't sure] what to make of him”

“It could be drug-induced addiction, alcoholism, criminality or a number of different things” … instead of blind speculations, maybe the narrator could use his prior knowledge of Matthew and make an educated guess? Actually that's what this feels like, I feel like the narrator is saying those are all things that the Matthew he knows could be involved in. Is that what you want?

“Something about what he said left me disturbed” … Show Don't Tell

“I don’t know, Matt”

“my memory hazy and unreliable in this state” … from a macchiato and a croissant?

“These weren’t the same tears I saw before. He appeared to be relieved from some sort of repressed episode” … Show Don't Tell

“In an instant, Matthew pulls out a small handgun. He opens his lips and places the snub nose barrel against the roof of his mouth. He pulls the trigger. The top of his head erupts from the blast and blood is drenched over the patio. All of the Café patrons and walking bystanders scream, startled by the loud gunshot” … two things, 1) excellent lead-up to this moment, I knew there was going to be something big and you provided, but 2) uh, you switched to present tense?

“Horrified by the grizzly, suicidal action that had just occurred” … unnecessary Telling

“That’s fine, A voice says in the darkness. You may open your eyes now. I adjust my vision and blink several times. I gaze over my hands; my feet then my legs. I sit up and stare at the books and trinkets on the shelves of the small but comfortable office. The noise of pen touching paper slightly irritates me as Dr. Hart finishes jotting down his notes” … present tense again. I almost though you had switched to present tense with that scene change, but you're back to past tense in the next paragraph

“What do you think is the underlying symbolism behind the simmering blood?” … whoa, huh? The only reason the doctor would say that is if that scene was a dream the narrator had, which somewhat lessens the impact … and then you reveal it all did happen like that, minus the simmering blood I assume; and the narrator has been having eerily realistic dreams of the event, with the simmering blood I assume. Okay, impact restored, although somewhat of an emotional roller coaster. Maybe, “I assume the simmering blood is new?” “Yes, doctor, but everything else happened like that. I relive his death every night, exactly as it happened!” “Hmm, and what do you think is the underlying symbolism behind the blood doing that?”

“trying to keep his indelicacy discreet” … unnecessary

“but as the elevator near me opens with people walking out” … wait, is this a continuation of the previous scene, taking an elevator down from the 30^th floor? Why the three line break? I thought this was a new scene because of that

“I accented my pace and walked through” … accented?

“there were neither electrical fixtures nor lights I could distinguish in this effulgent realm” … hmm, I kind of enjoy how well you are teaching me what effulgent means with these context clues, but on the other hand that means your big one dollar word is unnecessary

“I could hear screams of agony and pains reverberate in the back of my mind like a lingering, final bar of finishing music” … nice mirroring back to what Matthew said at the beginning

“In the shadows I could see her, but only the shape of her presence” … the first part makes me think he can see her, and the second part that he can't. Maybe, “In the shadows I could only see the shape of her presence”

“she said limpidly” … don't use a dollar word when a ten cent word will do, and don't adverb away the impact either. “Her voice was calm, smooth, and eloquent”

“From the clicking, black heel shoes extended her long legs, connected to a small but ample waist, her dress wrapped around her midsection tightly and conservatively. Her long red hair draped over her shoulders, her glossy lips shined, displaying its moistness. Her blue, cerulean eyes looked at me in a form of pendulous interest” … sexy pan-up

“Her long red hair … She felt so familiar to me, but I couldn’t quite place her” … the waitress!

“Rubens’ artistic techniques whilst learned in Italy between” … did she seriously say whilst? I mean, I'm guessing this is a dream and all, but whilst is a word you write, not a word you say … ohhh, because this is something he once read on a plaque?

“it was the waitress at the Monterey Cafe” … ha, took him long enough

“She began walking slowly away from me, her arms resting behind her back. She walked towards a dark corner of the room” … are you switching the tense on purpose? It's annoying

“Carmen quoted the text of The Inferno with dreaded and reflective voraciousness” … look at them big words! If this was a fishing competition, you'd win for sure!

“Carmen added to my well-informed comments” … Telling, and egotistical seeing as it comes from the narrator

“I asked, feeling emotionally withdrawn” … Telling

“withholding any forms of answers that would satisfy my query” … Telling. If she doesn't speak, just have her not speak and pass time with description

“behind the down-titled shutter blinds” … down-tilted?

“As uninviting and repulsive as it was, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of familiarity” … neat room description! And the reveal will be that this is his own apartment, post having gone crazy too? So he doesn't recognize the room because he's missing a large gap of time, or forgot? But it's recognizable because underneath the clutter is still his room

“I tried to remain as [quiet] as possible”

“I could still hear her weeping. She cried as if she had lost her own mother” … argh, I want him to go open the door, but I know he can't because he's crazy scared. Even if she is a ghost, go console her!

“I inherently grabbed the frame off the shelf” … instinctively? Spell check is a great tool, but look the word up if you don't know it

“It made sense now. I was standing in Matthew’s apartment. How could I not see it?” … ugh, I hope not, that would be less fun. Plus the narrator is the one who smokes, so I still think the room is his

“The glass smashed against the titles. Blood oozed from underneath the bottom of the fractured picture” … awesome

“ I was back in the darkened hallway again; just like the other times. In a flash I could be introduced to a new room or world, where everything I ascertain could be shattered before me. I looked down the length of the hall. Waiting for me was that foreboding black door, whispering something inaudible to my soul. I couldn’t go down there. I couldn’t go near that place. I looked over to my right where other passages or portals lined the hallway. Knowing that I would only go through these, I hopelessly ventured into another room” … huh. So he gets it now? I feel like you've told me how this world works, when it was more fun not knowing

“Without needing to turn around, [I recognized the voice. A] man walked in front of me. He rested his arm on the grand piano” … I assume you want something like this? Otherwise, weird phrasing

“He chuckled lightly, Well it’s good to see you too” … ha, that's a neat reversal of the first scene

“I’m sorry that you do, he informed me sympathetically, I wish I had the answers. I was going through this too. Frankly, it didn’t make since till, well, you know, he finished, implying his suicide” … have you ever heard the Platonic theory of art? Every great piece of art exists already in Plato's heaven, and most artists only approach those platonic ideals, the great artists get the closest versions possible and that's why we have great art in our world. So … Matthew killed himself and went to Plato's heaven? I love that, especially if that's what you are thinking as well, but there is one problem. Why should the reader or the narrator feel fear now? Matthew killed himself and everything is great for him, and now the narrator is headed down the same path. So this is all a good thing? I'm not really okay with a story where the message is, “Commit suicide, it's great!”

“I saw nothing…absolutely nothing. I didn’t see any buildings, no street lamps, no people, nothing. It was just a deep pitch black abyss around my apartment window” … yay! Ending the dream that easily would have been boring

“The numbers were going insane and flashing different times at rapid speed” … the first part is bad Telling, the second part is excellent Showing

“I recognized the soft allure of the voice: it was Carmen. She was sitting in my armchair in the corner of my room” … come on sex dream

“I grasp her hand and stood from the bed” … present and past tense in the same sentence!

“Carmen turned the handle of the door. I will show and you will relive. She walked out first. I followed. We were standing in the dark hallway again. As many times had I crossed it, this was the only time where it did not frighten me with a dooming persuasion” … hmm, I enjoy that a sexy woman is what can ease his fear. The presence of the feminine ends his fear of fear

“I’ve never been down here before anyways” … unnecessary foreshadowing

“I looked over at the woman, looking at the water melt away the paint from her face. It was Carmen” … yay!

“Years spent reprogramming me to forget what happened” … uh, no one would have to reprogram them if they don't remember

“So even from the start, Matthew tried to understand why he was experiencing it all, yet he was contributing to his own death, which you conjured indirectly” … no speaker tag … also, when did the narrator learn enough magical theory to say something like this? I feel like you're telling me what really happened, but not like the narrator should know these things

“The question now is: What will [you] do about it?”

“I looked over and I saw the young Carmen watching me sinisterly” … kind of awesome call-back to the start, but that “sinisterly” is unnecessary adverb Telling

Okay! So let me get this straight: long ago a real life witch was doing a weird ritual in her room, and the boys stumbled across it, and she bewitched them to perform the ritual and bind demons inside their bodies. Many years later, Matthew goes insane first and kills himself, driving the narrator insane and causing him to commit the same act in a double suicide. So, a witch did it all? And the ending is basically, if you meet a witch, your life is screwed. See, I feel like that would be more interesting as a broader statement about humanity. Like if the message was, evil exists in all our hearts, we are controlled by it, and only by comprehending that truth can we wrest some control for ourselves. And really you don't gain control, everything goes according to the Witch's desires, but you feel like you do and that can be happiness. Maybe if the Witch was more something that plagues humanity and not just two random kids; a god-like being that curses us all before birth, not some old lady down the hall

Biggest Lessons: Show Don't Tell, remove -ly words where possible, and don't use big words without reason

“What is the significance of the selected paintings? (hint, Gospels of Matthew; all five paintings)” … gah, homework? No thanks. They all featured people being consumed by evil, mirroring the narrator's plight, and there was a witchcraft reference in the book on Matthew's desk

“What is the symbolism behind the crying/screaming girl?” … she wasn't another painting? Or just the horror movie trope? I suppose she could be a young Witch Carmen, despised and left alone because of her young powers

“What other psychological issues can be seen through the characters?” … I am not a psychological textbook, so I don't know. Were they even crazy? After all, a witch did it

“The different rooms propel and exploit certain emotions. What are they?” … definitely, each room has a different feeling, excellent work there

“Is what the narrator learns about his past true or not? Could it also be another persuaded illusion?” … uh, sure. It's your story, you could make that true. His past is presented as a truth though

“Where did the dream begin and end?” … I would say it begins the moment Matthew kills himself and the narrator feints, “The light of day dimmed unnaturally in my peripheral sight. Before my vision was completely obscured,” and then the dream ends a second later in real time and the narrator picks up the gun. So yes, maybe his past is another illusion, this could all be Witch Carmen standing behind the narrator and wiggling her fingers to cast Phantasmal Killer

Any other questions for me?